The Road Called Motherhood

I Have Moved

2008-11-17T22:34:00.001-05:00

You can now find me here!

Sew Inspired Part 2

2008-07-07T10:57:00.006-04:00

My niece, Lauryn Ruth, turned one on July 1...Happy Birthday Warm Pillow. Due to family travels, her party is not until the 19th of July. So, me being the impatient one, I could not wait until then to give Lauryn her gift. We saw my twin sister and family this weekend at my dad's family reunion, so I gave it to her then. Sakira had been on Ebay like a mad woman, trying to order a pillowcase dress for Lauryn to wear at her party...I fixed that problem, and made her one instead. I purchased some fabric to use about four weeks ago from a local store, but decided that it was too heavy. I ended up using a lightweight cotton that I purchased at Jo-Ann's when Mary and Mel were in town (another post to come). I am so happy with how it turned out! I tried some new things, like a contrast seem at the armholes...TOO cute!

Feeling a Little Black Lately

2008-07-07T08:30:00.002-04:00

Hey blog world! I must warn you that the title to this post is a direct reflection of its contents. I have really been feeling the effects of being black lately. I knew some eight years ago when I started to do real estate development, that this was historically a career path for white men, who worked into their rich old age. At the time, I was young, vibrant and up for the challenge. As I approach my mid-thirties, I am growing weary of the game. I am tired of the reluctant handshakes and forced conversations, the condescending attitudes and the stares. Does it not matter that I have been blessed with a talent to do the job placed in front of me. It is not everyday that folks are called in to man a $95 million development budget while keeping folks on schedule, in line and on time...not easy work and definitely not for the faint at heart. I wonder if I should not be able to do that since I am black because it always seems to amaze my white counterparts. Oh well...just needed to get that off of my chest, because it has me a little down lately.

In His love...Nakira

Sew Inspired

2008-05-14T22:14:00.004-04:00

Thanks to inspiration from Mary, Mel, and my dear twin sister, I created my first article of clothing tonight...a pillowcase dress for Kayden. I have been sewing for about six years now, but it was always pillows and curtains for my house.

The dress is supposed to be super easy because you make it using a standard pillowcase, but of course I did not find one that was just perfect for my LO. So, I created a "pillowcase", using some fabric and ribbon that I purchased at Jo-Ann's today. I bought the pattern on last night from Etsy and it was sent to me via e-mail this morning. I was so happy with how it turned out that I decided to make some matching bows. Looks like I may now have a new hobby.

In His love...Nakira

Going, Going, Gone....

2008-05-13T22:21:00.003-04:00

Just a small indication of my dear Kayden's personality. Pay close attention to the bottom of each photo.

In His love...Nakira

Discipline

2008-05-08T14:49:00.002-04:00

This post comes after a visit to Gymboree at lunch last Thursday and I have to ask...don't people discipline their children anymore? Their is no way that I will EVER leave a store because of Kayden misbehaving. I will whisk her off to the nearest bathroom for a come to Jesus meeting and some laying on of hands in the biblical sense (Proverbs 13:24) . And then we will continue our shopping trip. I just do not ever want to be want of those parents that feel like they have no control over their children or what their children do.
Disclaimer: I am not talking about outright beating, but about a pop on the hand or bottom. I do not want folks to call DSS on me.

I really believe that children crave discipline just like adults do...very similar to our relationship with our heavenly father. I think that discipline gives a child balance, serves as a means for independence for the child and brings peace to the overall household.

Balance: Children need to learn that things will not always go as they would like for them to...just as it occurs in our adult life. Allowing a child the chance to do whatever he/she wants without any form of consequences sets them up for failure as they grow older. I can only speak for myself, but I want to give Kayden a fair chance at life which means letting her see the hard time realities as appropriate. This is not always easy, but necessary and no one ever promised me that parenting would be.

Independence: Once a toddler/child understands that there is a consequence for EVERY action, whether being obedient or disobedient, they learn to make better choices. If my child hits me whenever if or she is angry and never receives discipline, then he/she will grow to think that this is a normal behavior. The child may never find other ways to deal with anger besides hitting. Yes, this may be an extreme situation, but it is an easy one that drives the point home.

Peace in the Home: As the mother of a 15 month old, I need all of the peace in my home that I can get. Having Kayden disciplined helps the three of us to get a lot of it. Ken and I are not focused constantly on dealing with the disobedient behaviors of a child, but rather quick correction and learning from our correction is part of Kayden's everyday life. And don't think that we do not learn lessons in our disciplining of Kayden because it causes us to examine our character and behaviors as well to make sure that those "learned" traits are not ones that she has picked up from us.

I am sure that this message may rub some folks the wrong way, but as a Christian mother and wife, I want the Lord to be pleased with all that I do in and out of my home. Disciplining Kayden is one way that we feel that we are honoring the gift that he has entrusted to us. Kayden is not ours...she belongs to the Lord...we have been charged to raise her. I would love to hear comments from fellow parents (parents-to-be).

In His love...Nakira

The Magical Patent Leather Shoes

2008-05-08T09:01:00.004-04:00

Over a year ago, on the weekend that Kayden's birthmother revoked, we spent some time returning some items to the store that we purchased for her while in Las Vegas, as we anticipated her arrival. The funny thing, now that I look back, is that we only returned two items and decided to keep the rest. Well, like most women, I also did some additional shopping. Although she may have not been ours, I just knew that God was going to bless us with a daughter in his own time. So, I go into Rack Room and they have these cute little black patent leather shoes on sale for $10 in a size 5. I had no idea at what age she would wear a size 5, but they were too cute and too cheap to leave in the store.

Fast forward to Sabbath, May 4th. Kayden is dressed in a cute "preppy" little girlie outfit complete with pink grosgrain bows and ric rac to match. I put on her white mary jane's and frilly white socks to match. As I was pulling her hair bow out of the closet, I noticed the box...yes, the box of black patent leather shoes. She was already dressed and ready to go, so the perfect opportunity to try them on, since she is now in a size...yes you guessed it...5. They were so cute on her feet and I mentally prepared to pick out something to go with them for next week's service. I pull them off and put the white shoes back on. I step away for a second and when I returned, the white shoes were on the floor and she was frantically trying to get the black ones back on. I could see that this was going to be a no winning battle for me, so why even fight.

So, instead of the cute green dress, she ended up wearing a cream and peach number given to us as a gift. I have to admit, I was never VERY fond of the number, but she looked like such a big girl in it...you be the judge.

Easy Gift for Grand(Mother's) Day

2008-05-07T21:55:00.003-04:00

I wanted to send photos of Kayden to her grandmothers for Mother's Day since all of them live out of town. I had my heart set on something easy...a ready to go book from Hallmark, but unfortunately, all of the slots for photos were landscape oriented and all but about three of my photos were portrait oriented.

Plan B - I purchased these cheap little albums at Target for $2 each. I removed the cover inserts and create a cover for them. I then added the photos and added some basic 4X6 scrapbook pages. I finished it off by punching two holes through the center spine and adding a wide ribbon bow. I am REALLY happy with how they turned out.

Supermom...no more

2008-05-05T14:10:00.002-04:00

I fractured my pinky toe on yesterday. And yes, I do have crutches and I do have to wear that ugly shoe. This is killing me becasue I have to now slow down! Please keep me in prayer so that I do not go crazy. The average mother/woman would love to be waited on, but this is killing me!!! In His love...Nakira

Full of Joy...

2008-05-01T21:51:00.002-04:00

Why might you ask! My dear friend in Christ, Shawnda, and her family welcomed home their new son on yesterday. Imagine the shock to check my e-mail this morning and have this wonderful message. Welcome home Micah....welcome home!

In His love...Nakira

In Support of Adoption

2008-04-29T10:28:00.012-04:00

On Sunday, April 27th, Kayden and I had the pleasure of attending a fundraiser in support of adoption. Our agency, A Child's Hope, co-sponsors the event with Hopeful Parents, an adoption support group created by adoptive parents of the agency. The event is held at the home of A Child's Hope president and it is a lot of fun. It is wonderful to connect with women that you met through the internet and to see the children that existed only in photos announcing the agency's latest placement.

On my ride back home, I begin to think of all the reasons that our family supports adoption.
1. Teh first reason is easy because it was the way in which God called us to grow our family. We were VERY open to the idea and we have been so blessed for being obedient.
2. As Christians, the Bible calls us to adopt. James 1:26-27, calls us to exercise pure and faultless religion, by caring for orphans and widows.
3. Adoption is the ultimate example of our relationship with Christ. As His children, he wants to adopt us ALL into his family, as stated in Ephesians 1:4-6. What a joy to experience the act of pure love that God experiences EACH and EVERY time that one of us gives our life to Him. Just to think that he thought enough of me to make that happen brings tears to my eyes!
4. Who could resist the unconditional love that comes from a child as cute as this:

Love to you all! Nakira

The Army Shower

2008-04-25T22:54:00.005-04:00

Happy Friday! In our home, we have a three minute shower/water use rule. Me, I jump in and start to lather as soon as I get in, but my husband is smart. He installed super low flow heads on all of our showers and each includes a button to stop the flow of water. He gets in, wets his body, lathers up his washcloth and engages the stop flow button. He washes with no water running, then disengages the flow stop once he is ready to rinse. He calls it an "army" shower, but I call it a clever way to get around the rule. So, in our house, water conservation is a must so not only are showers limited, but there is no water running as you brush your teeth, no automatic toilet flushes after a number 1 :), no small loads of laundry and no dishwasher running...yes, we still wash them by hand!

It was nice this week to document the small ways that my family works to preserve the earth and its resources...thanks for the idea Mary! I now realize more than ever that every little bit helps!

Nakira

I Don't Need a Receipt

2008-04-24T08:58:00.003-04:00

I should have warned you all that my Earth Week comments would not always be about action...that some may be purely research. Today's effort is just that.

This morning I stopped at Panera to pick up a sweet treat for breakfast. After placing my pastry in a paper bag, the lady handed me a 7" receipt for a $2.58 purchase. Why in the world did I need a receipt. Anyone that has ever had Panera knows that I was NOT going to return the pastry. This receipt phenomenon has gotten out of hand in my opinion. It is sad to say that my wonderful Target is probably the worst. Each receipt now comes equipped with gift receipt, credit card and survey offer...YIKES. In buying three items, my receipt was at least 12" long. That could easily equate to a sheet of paper per transaction depending on the number of items that you purchase...that blows my mind!

In my research efforts, I was blessed to find this great article about this fabulous company AllEtronic, that gives retailers the option of providing consumers with a paperless receipts. The article is dated 04.06.08, so it appears that the concept is fairly new, but one that I am starting to love. The only question now is how to get the information into the hands of the places that we love to shop. I say write a letter and encourage others to do the same. The service is free for consumers and "affordable" for retailers. Just imagine how much paper we could save if only the major retailers in your area bought into this concept and the worry of searching for that receipt when you need it!

I'll Take the Wagon - Earth Day Effort Contd...

2008-04-23T09:28:00.007-04:00

Okay, I admit it, I live in the suburbs, but I am a city girl at heart! I would quickly ditch my spacious home for a quaint two bedroom condo in an urban area. I would rather take public transportation and listen to my ipod on the way to work versus fighting traffic and praying for peace after some person cuts me off. I would love to be able to walk more places and use my car less.

I love to walk and we were blessed to move into a suburban neighborhood with a Food Lion shopping center within walking distance. Now when I need to run to the grocery store, pick up a quick dinner or get a hair cut, I throw Kayden in her wagon and I hit the street on foot. Although the distance is not that far, about a mile round trip, it feels so good to not be in the car. It is also such a good workout!

Now, if I could just convince the city to create more sidewalks, we could walk the mile and a half to the library.

No More Paper Towels, Please

2008-04-22T10:01:00.004-04:00

Tuesday Earth Day Effort.
Have you ever taken note of the number of paper towels that you use in a day? I have, and it is pretty ridiculous. We go through at lease three roles a week and that is a lot of paper that is not being recycled.

I begin researching papertowel like options for my family about two weeks ago when I noticed another empty brown tube on the holder in the kitchen. I am not opposed to using cloth towels for drying of hands and picking up spills, but I want to be able to handle possible bacteria issues from a damp towel sitting in my kitchen. I have found a number of towels made from antibacterial materials, so my plan is to finish up with this last package of paper towels and then pick up some cloth towels to use.

I still cannot bring myself to place a cloth towel in the guest bath, becasue that one would stay damp in a dark place, and that really frightens me (room has no windows). Unfortunately, paper towels will continue to be used in the house but on a much smaller scale. Right now, the master bath is the only place that we use a cloth towel to dry our hands :) So, until the paper towel package is done, I am placing a brown paper bag in the kitchen for used paper towels to go in and then head out to the recycling bin. I figure...every little bit helps!

In His love...Nakira

I Have My Own Bags

2008-04-21T17:01:00.005-04:00

I am stealing this idea from my college buddy, Mary, in honor of Earth Day this week. Each day this week, believe it or not, I will post a way in which our family is attempting to conserve, recycle and reuse. I have never considered myself green, but now as I study for my LEED certification and look at how much is going green, I have no choice but to join the movement to protect the one earth that the good Lord gave us.

About three months I was at Target for our weekly Sunday trip and I stumbled across these great reusable sacks. They are neat becasue they fold and zip into themselves. I pruchased five of them and I keep them in my car or purse for easy access. So, for the past three months, I have significantly reduced the number of plastic bags coming into our home. I use them for groceries, for carrying stuff to work and church, for delivering food (I do get them back) and almost anything else. And, on days when I am over my five bag quota, I ask for paper bags that are also reused until they are limp from wear, at which point, I place them in the recycle bin. The bags are reasonable and a number of places now offer them for sale including Target, Harris Teeter, Whole Foods, Lowe's Food and EarthFare. And at no more than $.99 to $1.50, they are well worth the $5 that I spent.

Nakira

Oh where, oh where, have I been....

2008-04-21T09:39:00.005-04:00

Everywhere except blogger! First, I did not keep my promise to blog more often. Life got busy. I hate that response, but it is so true, life is busy. Between working outside the home, maintaining a household and family, giving time to God and church and finding a few seconds for myself, life is busy. I want to come up with a new word besides busy...maybe...my time has been completely occupied :) So, this is what we have been up to...

- February 3rd - Kayden's first birthday party...we had a blast. Pictures are HERE!

- February 4th - Kayden's actual first birthday and 12 month doc appointment.

- March 3rd - Contacted by Script and Scribble about carrying my stationery on their site. Too exciting!

- March 31st - Last day with my previous employer.

- April 2nd-5th - Family Vacation to Williamsburg....remind me to NEVER pack again without a list and to NEVER stay in a hotel without a fridge. I forgot pajamas and toothpaste for Kayden along with a number of things for my hubby. Keeping milk cold for Kayden, since she drinks Lactaid, was a task.

- April 7th - Started my new job.

- April 16th - Celebrated Kayden's Gotcha Day. I still cannot believe that it has been a full year.

- April 21st - Starting to post on my blog again.

Still no updates on siblings for Kayden. We know that God desires for us to have #2, just waiting on how he wants to do it :) I would love to know if you are still reading, so please leave a comment.

In His love...Nakira

A New Year

2008-01-21T21:29:00.000-05:00

Hello Blog world and happy new year! I decided to change the color of my page for the new year and I working to update the avatar with a photo of the family...that will happen before the end of the year:) Our holidays were good and busy! Kayden had a great time celebrating the birth of Jesus...I cannot wait until she can fully understand what that means (there will be no Santa in our house). We had a Christmas Eve filled with the TRUE Christmas story and a family prayer that included my in laws...what a blessing!

Our new year was spent in Myrtle Beach, a trip that we take annually. Things were different with Kayden; we were in each night before seven (her bed time). So now, we are back to the grind and planning a one year party for Kayden. We have invited way too many kids but we the decision was made to only do ice cream and cake, so hopefully things will not get too crazy on the 3rd of February.

Our trip to Disneyworld was GREAT! Taking my MIL along was the best thing that we could have ever done...THANK YOU JESUS! Unfortunately, we did not take the digital camera, only the video, so I am still waiting on still shots from my DH. We did take some photos in the park using Disney photographers but thos photos were so expensive. On Saturday night I ordered one 5X7 and 4 wallets and we are now $20 poorer...what a rip off. At least we will have one momento to have from the trip.

It so hard to believe that Kayden is almost a year old. She is starting to take steps, singing, pointing at everything, talking ALL the time and climbing the stairs (a favorite). We love our sweet pea and we are starting to talk more about growing our family. We are considering both adoption and possibly IVF/ICSI. We are waiting on God to show us his plan and that is the route that we will take. We are just excited to be a part of His great plan!

I would love to hear from you all! I will work this year to do more than one post a month...maybe two a week. Take care!

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

God's richest blessings to you and your family this Christmas. This time of year is always a time of reflection, but this year brings even special meaning, as we share in the joy of Joseph. Joseph was graced with the gift of adoption just as we were this year and the overwhelming love that it brings. Lord, I thank you for the baby Jesus and also for showing the world the ultimate example of adoption. What a blessing! I hope that each of you have a day filled with family, friends, love, but most importantly, Jesus! My love to you all!

Happy Late Late Thanksging

2007-11-28T14:41:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness, it has been over a month since I last posted. No one told me that motherhood coupled with marriage would allow me less and less time to spend blogging. We have been really busy preparing for the holidays and loving on our stinky! It is so hard to believe that Kayden will be 10 months old on the 4th...it seems like yesterday that we were just bringing her home from the agency!

This time last year was a VERY sad time in our home as we were dealing with the lose of a baby that we would never conceive naturally. I just thank God for his love and mercy and the fact that He had a better plan in growing our family...much better than anything that conception could have ever created. For that, I am TRULY thankful!

Kayden continues to be such a sweet baby and she is busy as ever...here is her rundown:

- Crawling (quickly and about three stairs at a time)
- Clapping

- Pulling Up

- Cruising

- Trying to stand alone

- Self feeding finger foods

- Talking ALL the time (uh oh and ba-ba for bottle are the new ones)

- Holding board books and turning pages

- Dancing (so cute, she rocks back and forth and moves her head the same way)

As for me, nothing new. Work is good and life is even BETTER! I am looking forward to Christmas and our annual trip to Disneyworld. We leave on Dec. 8th and return on the 15th. We are blessed that my MIL is joining us which will make it possible for us to have a few nights out on our own. This is her Christmas gift from us, so we are sure that it is one that she will love. Be blessed and I promise that I will post more often.

NikNak (oh the photo is of Kayden with her cousin Lauryn...Kayden is the turkey queen)

So...

2007-10-17T10:11:00.000-04:00

it was a little chilly outside this morning, so I asked mama to put on my hat and sweater. I am good now...all WARM and COZY!

Kayden's First Perfomance

2007-10-10T19:33:00.000-04:00

About two weeks ago, Kayden gave us her first muscial performance. I was trying to cook in the kitchen and she was not hearing that! So, I pulled out the camera, a pot and wooden spoon and let her entertain me. It was hilarious, but got even funnier when the grandparents arrived with a purple knit sweater hat equipped with an ole' skool fuzzy ball and a dress to match. The purple made me think of Prince. The first two photos are some random photos before the performance and the last two are from her finale. Enjoy!

Praise God...

2007-10-03T22:06:00.001-04:00

I am still around. It amazes me that we always say that, but I KNOW in my heart, that heaven is MUCH better being here on earth :) Life has been BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...did I say BUSY already? This is what we have been up to since mid-August when I did my last REAL post...man, it is now October (That means FALL, FALL, FALL and the State Fair, now, if it could just get cooler during the day):

1. Adjusting to being back at work. Through God's grace and mercy, the transition back has been relatively smooth. It is such a joy to have a husband that works from home (a techy) and one that loves to clean. Now if only, work was not so stressful. I am mentally drained when I come home, so having a clean house and the cutest baby in the world waiting on me to pick her up from daycare, the cares of work disappear, but the fatigue doesn't. Just a constant reminder that my strength lies SOLELY in the Lord!

2. Watching Kayden grow and grow and grow. It amazes me at how quickly babies change and evolve. Our little one now has two teeth and at eight months old (tomorrow), she is starting to crawl and pull up. We really need to spend some time on Sunday childproofing the house. She is now about 18.5 lbs and 26 inches long and yes, we cannot purchase Soy formula fast enough. Her personality is now starting to develop and we now know for SURE that she is going to be a handful. I must admit that I am now itching for Kayden to have a little brother...if it is God's will for our lives, then we are believing that he will make it happy.

3. Preparing for my SIL to move in with us. My SIL "A" was blessed with a great job opportunity here in Durham, so she is moving to Durham from her hometown of Greensboro. At 42, this will be her first time ever living in a different city. Ken and I are SO happy to have her come and we couldn't say no, because the Lord has blessed us with more house than we need right now. We are having to move some spaces around, specifically my scrapbook area, which means some spring in the fall cleaning. This will also mean a love in sitter...I know, that is horrible. But because Kayden goes down at 7PM each evening and sleeps until 6:30AM, we hate to pay a sitter to come to our home and watch TV. So now, we can head out for a movie and know that someone is here with Kayden, if she should decide to wake up...likelihood is slim :)

4. Traveling. Kayden's first flight was about three weeks ago when she joined me for some meetings in Baltimore for work (Ken drove up that night and we spent the weekend hanging out with friends). She was an angel, like she always is, and allowed mama to work and love on her at the same time. We also have had some weekend trips to Richmond, Charlotte and of course Greensboro.

5. Preparing for Christmas (close your mouths)!!! I have already started my shopping and started designing my homemade gifts. The paper for the Christmas cards has also been purchase, so I hope to begin work on those soon and start addressing envelopes this weekend...if I get a free minute. I recently found out that we will be hosting Thanksgiving here at our home, so Christmas plans will come to a halt for Turkey day!

6. Continuing to love life, my family and where God has me right now. That says a lot when I feel like all I do is complain about not having enough time or energy for ANYTHING. I am reading a book called Feminime Appeal, recommended by my friend Shawnda, and I must say that it is changing my perspective on how I look at the more important things in my life. The scripture basis for the book is Titus 2: 3 to 5, where older women are given the directive to teach younger women to do the following: love their husbands and children, be self controlled, be pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their husbands. POWERFUL stuff I tell ya!

That is all for now! The photo of our sweet pea was taken just before take off on our Baltimore trip...she is starting to look like a little girl! In His love...

I've Been Tagged

2007-09-22T07:59:00.000-04:00

By my college buddy Mel over at Nutsy Coco Creations...you guys should check out her Etsy store....FABULOUS photos and jewelry.

I have been given the task of writing seven random things about myself, so here goes!

1. I love numbers!!! I had a 790 on my math SAT's and I am sure that this was part of the reason why. Whenever I see a series of numbers, I try to figure out how they relate to one another. For this reason, I am a GREAT % off sell shopper, as I can compute things quickly in my head. It is so bad, that my husband will call me on my cell in the same store so that I can tell him what he can expect to spin.

2. I am also a list maker...I love the list of accomplishments that I can view and say...I got it done. That is all so important now that we have Kayden and I feel like I am always hopelessly behind.

3. I love small quaint spaces. You would never guess that since my home is 3,100 sf...I know, ridiculous. I want a smaller home and yes, my friends and family think that I am crazy! Small spaces allow you to think outside the box and come up with creative storage and space planning ideas. If I was single, I would have a small studio apartment even if I could afford more.

4. I cannot read a sewing pattern, but I can make panel curtains. This is always a shock to folks since i made 80% of the window treatments in our home...mostly panels and simple valances. Because of architecture school, I can sew a straight line and complete accurate measurements, but that is about all. I want to learn how to sew and to smock so that I can make cute clothes for Kayden like my friend DeAnna. Such cute stuff and stuff that would have been so expensive that I would have had to mortgage my home to purchase :)

5. I would prefer to give a handmade gift than anything else. I consider myself to be a really crafty person so I joy in giving folks gifts that come from th heart and not from the store. The problem is that i do not do it often enough for fear that people will think that I am cheap! At Christmas time, it is easy to do, because people expect handmade gifts, but throughout the rest of the year, I shy away from doing that.

6. I am a $30 person when it comes to buying clothes for myself. I will not pay more than $30/piece including most dresses. Clothes wear out so quick and I do not see the point in paying more than that...and Enfamil formula can also do a number on your clothes. So, that is why I shop at Target and only at Ann Taylor and the Loft when they have major sales. Call me cheap, but I would prefer to spend those other dollars on vacation.

Okay Mel, you got your post...I will do better...I promise.

Dedication Day

2007-08-12T21:16:00.000-04:00

On yesterday, Sabbath, August 11th, Ken and I felt so blessed to be able to dedicate our daughter back to the Lord. The moment was surreal, because it was a day that Ken and I thought would never come. We prayed and prayed for the Lord to grow our family however he saw fit, and His way, like always was perfect. For the dedication service, a dear friend of ours, SWC, sang Miracle of Life by Mary Rice Hopkins. If you have never heard the song, you must. The lyrics are as follows:

The miracle of life
The greatest gift God gave
He placed you in our hearts
And there you'll always stay

We once longed for a child
God heard our heartfelt prayer
Now we've adopted you
Now look at you, you're here

Chorus:

Now we're holding you and loving you too
Holding a miracle before our eyes
We're holding you and loving you too
Holding a miracle, holding a miracle
Oh what a miracle of life

The similarities
Oh I can't believe
You've got your mother's smile
though impossible it seems

How can this be chance
How can you explain
God placed you in our home
Now you share our name

There's so many ways God shows His grace
He fills our void deep inside
so many times I've seen God's face
In you, my little child

Unfortunately, I was not able to get any photos of the dedication, because we did not have access to our cameras, but I am posting a picture of our sweet pea, that was taken about two weeks ago. We had photos taken of her in her dedication dress along with a few other fun shots. I will post some of the other shots from the shoot later this week!

God bless you all! NikNak

Fourth of July

2007-07-10T22:26:00.000-04:00

The fourth of July this year was pretty relaxing! My twin sister gave birth to her daughter, Lauryn Ruth, on Sunday, July 1st, so I could not wait to get to Charlotte, even if only for a few hours. So, on the 4th, Ken and I drove seperate cars to Greensboro, so that I could enjoy the festivites and keep moving to the Queen City.

For the 4th, my SIL made some fabulous food like always and my MIL was king of the sweets as usual. My FIL was the grill master, so Ken, Kayden and I got the chance to just chill out for the day with no real responsibilties, how odd is that! Kayden had a great time hanging out with her grandparents and she looked really cute in her overpriced :( outfit from Gymboree...I had to splurge; it was just too cute!

After the cookout, Kayden and I headed to Charlotte and we did not arrive until 10PM. I did not Kayden bathed and down until 11AM, so she was a cranky mama on Thursday morning. Unfortunatley, we left my twin sister's at 6PM on Thursday heading home, so we only spent less than 24 hours with her...that sucks. But, the time was well spent and Lauryn is SOO cute and such a sweet baby. SHe felt so light compared to Kayden;s 16 pounds. You all be blessed and I hope that you all had a good holiday as well.

NikNak

Feelings of Comparison

2007-06-20T16:56:00.000-04:00

This post is a little hard for me to write, but one that I know that I need to.

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS.

There, I said it. My husband tells me constantly and I now know that it is. Since I have become a mother, it has become worst. My husband reminds me almost daily that he will not allow me to drive our daughter crazy by comparing her to others. Right now, it seems harmless, but later it will be a probably as she grows into a little girl, teenager and young lady. I want to begin to deal with this now, so that it does not get this point. I believe in God's delivering power and I know that He too can rid me of this sin.

When you look at it for what it is, the culprit is jealousy. It is that whole grass is greener concept. I see a number of women around me that appear to be perfect mothers. Always doing the right thing, never having a sick child, and having a working knowledge of what the AAP recommends for their baby. To hear me talk sometimes, you would think that my life is bad, but it is far from that. I am truly blessed with great health, a fabulous family, a beautiful home, a job that allows me to do something that I love and the most importantly, the knowledge of Jesus Christ, His salvation and His love. That should keep me happy. But the reality is that I am happy but often feeling like I am not adequate in comparison to others. That is a problem, becasue my allow measure shoule be Jesus.

Please pray with me as we (God and I) deal with this sin head on and please send any scriptures for meditation or books that I can read.

Awaiting deliverance...Nakira

Happy First Father's Day

2007-06-19T23:34:00.000-04:00

The day did not start off magical. Kayden had been sick with a cold since Wednesday, so sleep was scarce and we spent Friday night in the ER after mucus started to run out of her eye. Praise the Lord, that God is healing her little body...He is so good in faithful. And yes, if you are counting, that is two ER visits within the last three weeks....we are trying to break a record :)

So, after rising from the guest bedroom that I shared with Kayden for the evening, we surprised daddy with cards and gifts. Kayden got him 2 shirts and a pair of shorts and I got him tickets to the Steelers and Panthers game. I know that Ken was pooped, because he did even jump up and down like I expected...poor boo-boo!

Ken's only wish for the day was to get some rest and quiet, so Kayden and I headed to a baby shower of a fellow adoptee and then putzed around Target afterwards...that is dangerous! Daddy had seven hours all to himself, so what did he do. Well first, he put on the shorts and one of the shirts from his baby girl and he went to his favorite sub place and then to Barnes and Noble to read. That sounds so simple, but something that he really needed...I think that meant more to him than the gifts. Just a reminder that Daddy is never into the material stuff, although he loves his gadgets, but he values God's peace and balance. That time away is what he needed so that he could return to Kayden and I and be the best father and husband ever :)

I look forward to many more days watching Kayden and her Daddy. I pray that his relationship with her will somehow mirror the one that she will one day have with Christ and that this will draw her closer to Him...the most important father.

I am attaching a picture of Kayden and her daddy from Sunday.

Daddy's Girl

2007-06-07T22:38:00.000-04:00

Notice the dimple, which indicates a HUGE smile!!! I love to see the two of them together!

Kayden Updates

2007-06-07T22:15:00.000-04:00

On Sunday morning, Ken and I officially became parents, becasue we made our first emergency room visit. Ken and I both had baby dedications to attend on Sunday morning, so after sunset on Saturday night, I rushed out to get gifts and Ken and I were all excited about our Sunday plans. So, I go in to wake Kayden for her feeding and her left eight lid is swollen badly. I start to scream for Ken and I notice a terrible rash on her face, upper body and neck. I freaked out and started to cry. We rushed her to the ER fearing a spider bite. She was definitely bitten, by what, we have no idea. The docs said to chill out for the day and that the swelling would go down and that her eczema cream would clear up the rash. Well, by 9PM, she was almost back to normal. Monday, we had to look hard to see anything. God is so good, because things could have been a lot worse!!!

On Tuesday, kayden went in for her 4 month check up....and yes, SHOTS! She was a tropper and did very well. She cried on the table, but as soon as she saw daddy go to pick her up, she sighed and smiled a little between sobs. She did not run a fever at all this time and did not have the tight knots in her thigh muscles like before. We are glad that the round of shots are behind us. The doc told us that we could start solids ASAP, so she had 2 tablespoons of rice cereal for lunch. She ate all of it and then wanted the 6.5 ounces of milk left in the bottle. My mother gave me a great tip and told me not to spoon food into her mouth, but to place the spoon on her lip and let her just suck it, what great advice...it worked like a charm...thank you mama! So here are Kaydens stats:

- 14.5 lbs.

- 24 inches long

- starting to sit up without support...she leans forward but uses her hands to maintain balance...last about two to three minutes

- cutting teeth already...doc said that they would pop through any day now

- still cute as ever :)

At the Request

2007-06-01T10:23:00.001-04:00

of Shawnda and DeAnna :) Here she is....

Five Years and Counting

2007-05-28T21:22:00.000-04:00

Ken and I celebrated our five year anniversary on Saturday...it is so hard to believe that it has been that long. Time really does fly when you are having fun!!! My in laws came into town to babysit Kayden so that Ken and I could just get away for a spell. We had late lunch/early dinner at a restaurant in Chapel Hill....delicious and then took a ride out to the country. We decided to not exchange gifts/cards, because we both agreed that Kayden was the best gift that could be given :)

This anniversary was different becasue we normally take a trip for our anniversary and this year, it was just not possible. Instead we had a short, precious time together...and we treasured it as such. We talked about the ups and downs that we had experienced and spoke a lot about our future together :)

I am so blessed that God place Ken in my life at the appointed time...just six months earlier and I would have let him go :( God knew exactly what I needed becasue he sent me a man that complements me in EVERY way. Where I am weak, he is strong; where I am compulsive, he is patient; where I am overly emotional, he is emotionally stable...I am always amazed at God's power when I look at Ken, feel him close to me or hear his deep Barry White voice! After five years, he still takes my breath away :)

I love you Boo-Boo along with all of your imperfections...you are perfect for me!!! Here is to five years and counting....

Politics

2007-05-20T16:24:00.000-04:00

Okay, so let me admit that I am not one to deal at all with politics or current events...history has NEVER been my thing. My husband is constantly telling me that I need to get better at knowing something for conversation purposes, but I am just not amused. I say all of that to say that this post is very different for me, not something that I would write about, but hear goes.

Those of you that know me "personally" and "cyberly", know that I am pretty conservative person and recent events in my life have caused me to take a stance on things that I never had in the past :) As we embark on another set of presidential races, I so yearn for a candidate that is going to deal with real issues facing our country and Americans as a whole...republican or democrat...I do not care! As an individual that has a heart for the poor, I just feel like this always gets overlooked as we move to that Tuesday in November to vote.

Do not get me wrong, I AM opposed to gay marriage and find it sad that the sting of this lifestyle no longer exists in our society, because it is SO accepted. I AM also a new pro-lifer and feel that EVERY child should be given a chance at life, but I do not feel that these two items are things that we should base our vote on. Our last election hung heavenly on the moral vote, which was a nice change for America, but not one that addressed some of the issues that now plague us as a nation.

1. The Minimum Wage: $5.15/hour is not a way for ANYONE to make a living. That equates to $820/month. There is no where in our country where you can live off of that amount...if it exists, someone please point me in that direction. With the price of gas currently at $3.15 across the nation and set to reach $4.00 by the end of the summer, people will have to start deciding if it is more important to buy gas or simply get to work. The sad reality is that the average person that makes minimum wage does not/cannot own an automobile and must therefore depend on public transportation. As gas rates increase, so will the costs of using these public services. I could go on and on about this one, but I won't, becasue I am sure that you get the point.

2. The War: Need I say more. I am not sure of what we are fighting for now...due to ignorance, I must admit, but I do listen daily to the list of soliders, husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sons and daughters that we are loosing daily. I know that there is no easy answer for this one, but it would be nice to see some resolve soon.

3. Healthcare: As I carried Kayden to urgent care the first night that she was placed with us, I watched a 9/10 yo boy bleed in the waiting area. He had a gash over his eye that clearly needed stitches. My heart sank as his mother pleaded for him to be seen as she had left her medicaid card at home in a rush to have him seen. Overheairng this conversation, I spoke to the receptionist and let her know that I would cover his costs, if that would help him to be seen. Praise the Lord that he softened that receptionist heart who allowed him to be seen as long as the card was in the office the next day. This situation may sound extreme, but this is what folks without adequate healthcare have to deal with. I know that our society does not make it possible for our healthcare systems to exist like those in western countries, but we need to make it avaialble to all people. As I always explain to my husband, healthcare is needed by ALL people, no matter race, socio-economic class or age. I just wish that all Americans could understand that and move to regulate our healthcare system as much as possible, making it consistent for all people.

Well, I have rambled enough...I pray that I did not offend anyone. These are just a few things that have been weighing on my heart lately, as I watch the presidental debates, I would look for these three along with the two moral topics covered...they are all so important to me.

In His love....Nakira

My First Mother's Day...

2007-05-13T22:23:00.000-04:00

was FABULOUS!!! When I went into Kayden's room this morning to get her out of her crib, there was a note and gift for me from her. The note read to: mommy, from: kayden and inside was an itunes giftcard...I cannot figure out where she got the money to purchase it. When I finished her bottle and headed downstairs to make coffee, I found a little box from my hubby. A GC for a swedish massage, carribean pedicure and vichy shower from a local salon and spa...Thank you Baby...this was the greatest Mother's Day ever. Kayden and I are truly blessed with a great father and great husband! I have some tricks up my sleeve for Ken's first father's day. After this year, we will not give gifts...we just wanted to go all out for the first one.

Okay, so enough about Mother's day, I must talk about our sweet baby girl!

Quick Stats:

- 14 weeks old today

- 12.5 lbs.- 23 inches long

- loosing hair daily

Our baby girl is truly a blessing! She is consistently going down every night between nine and ten and not waking until seven or eight in the morning! This is AMAZING! At first Ken and I thought that something was wrong, but this is normal, because she needs anywhere from 14 to 16 hours of sleep a day...she just gets most of hers at night. Ken and I always joke and say that they poor thing does not realize that she is hungry or wet.

She is happy all the time and coo's and talks WHENEVER she has an audience. She started to laugh out loud this weekend, which makes me want to cry, because it is just so darn cute! She is also now spending time in her Bumbo chair, which she loves (see the picture). She LOVES to sit up so that she can see and grab for stuff. She has been VERY gassy but Ken and I are giving her EXTRA attention at her feedings to minimize this problem...I just pray that this is merely a phase that she is going through...we hate to see our baby in pain!

Please keep us in prayer...I am so itching to do this adoption thing again soon!!! God is so good and I never knew that life could be so good.

Nakira...mama to Kayden :)

Baby Kayden

2007-04-24T21:41:00.000-04:00

Ken and I are in love with our new baby girl! It is amazing how you struggle with infertility for more than a year and then in a days time, the Lord blesses you to end the struggle. I know that physically Ken and I will possibly deal with infertiltity for the rest of our lives, and that is okay, but having a daughter now makes all of that seem so insignificant. I now know that all along we only wanted to be parents, no matter how God saw fit to do so.

When Kayden was handed to us at the agency on last week, the feeling was overwhelming...I guess something close to what a pregnant woman feels after she has labored and been given her newborn to hold for the first time. As we drove home, I begin to immediately think about our adoption by Jesus Christ and the fact that each of us came to Him as an "infant"....hallelujah! What an amazing experience...makes me want to adopt again...REAL soon!

Nakira

Motherhood...

2007-04-20T17:14:00.000-04:00

is so FABULOUS!!! What a blessing kayden has been for both Ken and I. Unfortunately, my DH has been at work most of the week, so I have been home alone during the day. Kayden is a LOT of work, but the reward is unbelievable!

It is amazing, but the Lord kept his promise and I am defintely able to hold my little one in my arms before our five year anniversary. I almost feel ashamed of my doubt and disappointment, but then I realize that I am human and that God is still God and will always be God...what a blessing that is! What an AWESOME God we serve!!!

I took Kayden out yesterday for some professional photos for her birth announcements. I am attaching all three and I am taking a poll on which one you think would be best for an annoucement.

Change of Heart...

2007-04-17T14:55:00.000-04:00

To make a long story short, the birthmother called the agency on yesterday to say that she really wanted to place her daughter with us and she hoped that we would still take her as our own...YES! So we picked up our baby girl on yesterday.

Praising God, I would like to introduce the newest member of our family:

Kayden Marie

born February 4, 2007

welcomed home April 16, 2007

Friday the 13th

2007-04-13T12:19:00.000-04:00

Is a day from hell...do not let anyne ever make you think differently. After midnight last nght, we were past the revocation period for the baby girl, at least we thought. This morning, about 8:45AM, the agency called to let us know that the birthmother had phoned them about 6:30 to let them know that she changed her mind. So no baby girl for us.

After that call this morning, I felt like it was confimation that it is not God's will for us to have children. It is like He wants us to continue to suffer until we just say no, and make peace with the fact that he has called us to be childless. I am begining to become okay with teh concept, my husband is not. I just want us to both line up with this mindset and just be done with it. I feel like we have suffered two still born births in teh last six months. One for the death of a natural child that will never come and two for this baby girl that was about to be ours.

Oh well, I am off to return dresses to the stores...how dumb of me to make purchases like that...NEVER again. You all be blessed!

NikNak

God is So Good

2007-04-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

IIt is so hard to believe that in less than 12 hours, my DH and I will meet our baby girl. YES...I know that you are wondering if you missed something. last Thursday, after much prayer, Ken and I repsonded to a post with our agency for a 2 moth old baby girl born February 4th. I know that it was God, becasue I had my heart set on a newborn :). We both read the profile at different times and both had a feeling that this was the ONE. We always said that we would know it, but did not plan for it to happen so easily...PTLord!!!

Well, we left for Vegas on Sunday and the BM was shown profiles on Tuesday. She immediately chose us! Ken and I received a call about 6PM pacific/9PM eastern time from the BM's counselor. When we hung up with her, with cried tears of joy...we could not believe that the Lord loved us so much to give us this opportunity. So, I am off to bed now with visions of pink in my head and a heart ready to meet and receive our baby girl. I will try and post tomorrow with pictures.

I still cannot believe it, but it seems to all be real. Please keep us and the BM in prayer. Peace for her heart and ours as we ALL make this difficult transition. Be blessed!

Mama Nakira

Praise the Lord!!!!!

2007-03-22T20:15:00.000-04:00

We are live on the web and we are thrilled!!! You can check us out at A Child's Hope. Just click on Waiting Couples.

In His love...Nakira

Thoughts on Motherhood

2007-03-16T15:21:00.000-04:00

So this week, there was another AA baby to post that is available for pick up on Monday, March 19th. We prayed about it and decided that this was not the one for us. It turned out that our homestudy was not done, so we couldn't reply, even if we wanted to. Now that things are beginning to come down to the wire, I am getting very nervous about motherhood and if I am really cut out for this.

This week at work didn't help much either. For a few days, I worked until 7PM and came in at 7AM, which in my opinion, is insane, but needed. I have no plans at this point to stay home once our child arrives or to cut back my hours, but I am now feeling lead to reinvestigate this thing. Becasue my salary is so high, praise the Lord, it does not make sense for me to come home full time and I do not feel that it is justifiable and in all honesty, being a SAHM is not for me. I have this fear of loosing myself/identity as I move into motherhood, becasue I have worked for eight years with a career that I love and for a position that I love. It probably sounds vain to say that I do not want to give that up, but it is the truth. So, I will look into cutting back my hours and working out some work from home arrangement once I return to work.

I would like to hear from some of my SAH blog mommy's! How did you make the change from career to motherhood? How long were you working in your old positions/jobs before you started a family? I feel strange creating this post but it has been weighing on me. Take care and you all be blessed!

Nakira

It's Not About Me

2007-03-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

and it is not about you either. The title of my blog is the title of a book that I am currently reading right now by Max Lucado. It has been eye opening and quite encouraging. Max encourages Christians to always keep our eyes on God and NEVER on ourselves, becasue only He can meet all of our needs. My decision to check out this book from the library was never intentional. I was looking for another inspirational book and came across this one instead. God placed that in my path and I was obedient and picked it up. The book has been a true blessing and I look forward to reading it every night when I arrive home from work.

One of the most touching parts of the book was when Max tells a story of when an uncle died and he attended this funeral with father. He talks about looking around and seeing normally happy aunts and uncles weeping in sorrow. He was so afraid of all that was going on and all that he saw. Max's father noticed his uneasiness and looked down to him to say, "baby, everything is going to be okay". This immediately warmed Max's heart and spirit, because if his father said it, it was so. Just to look at his father's face confirmed that everything was okay.

We as Christians need to constantly seek the face of our heavenly father, because He is ALWAYS available to offer comfort. The problem is that even when we seek His face, we have little confidence that through Him everything will be okay. Lord, please increase my faith constantly so that everytime I seek you, I can rest in the fact that EVERYTHING will ALWAYS work out as it should.

Nice Surprises

2007-03-12T09:38:00.000-04:00

I have been blessed to form new friendships with a number of ladies through work connections. I was immediately drawn to SY, who started to invite me to gatherings with the other ladies.

On Saturday night, it was my turn to host a gathering. I decided on a Chick Flick movie night complete with homemade pizza. Each guest was instructed to bring her favorite pizza topping(s) along with a favorite drink and movie snack; the first to arrive on Saturday night was GS. As planned, she brought olives and pepperoni along with two Dr. Peppers...nothing unusual about that. So, about ten minutes later, in come SY, AK and R loaded down with stuff. My first thought was, what in the world is all of this...that is a lot of pizza toppings. Well, I was SO wrong, because SY was bringing in items for a surprise baby shower. That's right...A SURPRISE BABY SHOWER!!!

SY had homemade punch, mints and baby shower cups, plates and napkins. GS bought a cake and AK helped with the diaper decorations. It was SO cute and SO sweet that I was overcome by emotion. And, to top it all off, everyone bought a gift...what a wonderful way to end a Saturday night. They didn't see me cry then, but when it was all over and I explained every detail to my husband, I couldn' hold back the tears.

My heart was filled with such joy that the Lord would grant me this experience. The thing that surprised me most was that some of these women, I don't even talk to on a regular basis or have only known for a little more than two/three months. They mostly know me through work relations or through SY. I am just so thankful that God is so good to me and can use whoever He sees fit to use. I am so happy that he is not a respecter of persons and even more thankful that I, for once, am embracing this adoption exeperience as a new mother would embrace a pregnancy.

GS made a comment on Saturday night that stuck with me. She said, "well you know that you are pregnant right now, just like my daughter". And I thought to myself, YES...you are correct. My stomach has not swollen with new life, but my heart sure has.

Thank you ladies for making March 10th a VERY special day for me; SY, GS, AW, LM, AK and R...you know who you are! Not only was it a surprise shower, but an official mark of motherhood to come!

A Room for Baby C...Final Pictures

2007-03-09T13:12:00.000-05:00

It is done, and I am a little sad because there is nothing else to do. I am a sick, sick child :) Be blessed!

A Little Discouraged

2007-03-01T08:29:00.000-05:00

Hey gang! I am beginning to think that Ken and I have bad luck and I am an AVID non-believer in luck...as a child of God, it has never really existed in my world, but it is slowly creeping in :)

In short, we did not close on our rental property yesterday. We got to the closing table, spent two hours reviewing and signing documents, and walked away thinking that we were closed. Well, when we left, our tenants, who had parents co-signing for them, decided that they were not happy with the loan product. The lender was not real truthful about what they were getting. So, we are back to the drawing board, still with two tenants.

Our prayer was that we would sell at least one of the properties before we adopted so one or two things is going on. Either, we will not be adopting a baby ANYTIME soon or we are destined to keep these properties FOREVER...LORD HELP US!

NikNak

A Room for Baby C and Religious Opposition

2007-02-22T09:37:00.000-05:00

Hey Blog Family, I need to clarify the "religious opposition" that I spoke of in my last post. There was a person in my life that was using scripture to speak for us to continue trying to have a baby naturally. I think that this person thought that my DH and I have given up on trying to have a baby naturally, but that is not the case. I am posting my reposnse to their e-mail below:

I wanted to say thank you for the words of encouragement in the e-mail below. We agree with everything that you said below and continue to believe God, that if it is His will, that we will one day bare children. Right now, He has clearly called us to adopt and that is where we are right now. We have not given up on having a natural child but He has said not right now…I have something greater for you…much greater for you! We do not want people to think that adoption is the “solution” to this “setback” that we are experiencing right now, it is a choice that we have made. When we begin to pray about starting a family, we NEVER prayed to be pregnant, we prayed that God would grow our family as He saw fit for us. Right now, adoption is the answer. Ken and I are VERY happy with how God has chosen to grow our family and look forward to the miracles that He will work in our lives, because we know that there are many to come. We feel honored to be chosen for this task of adoption, because everybody is not called to do it. It is an honor because it mirrors the love that Christ has for us as He allows us each to be adopted into his GLORIOUS family if we make the decision to do so…we all know what a blessing that is. So, please keep us in prayer and that we can remain obedient to what God has called us to do. We love and we thank you for your continued prayer and support!

Enough about that. On to Baby C room updates. Above are pictures of the nursery still in progress. The crib has been put togther and the bedding added. There are still some things that need to be done, but the room is on its' way. And the FCH means nothing...we will replace it with baby c's initials.

It's A Girl

2007-02-18T20:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, maybe that title wasn't fair, but my twin sister found out on Thursday that she is having a baby girl come mid-July. I am tickled pink...no pun intended. Ken and I just returned from Hilton Head on today after a four day getaway. What a blast we had and what a joy to have access to a Gymboree and Baby Gap Outlet in order to buy some cute outfits for the new baby girl. We are so excited to be adding another girl to the clan since there is only one currently among 11 nephews...yes eleven. So now you probably understand my level of excitement.

Well, it is offiicial, on Tuesday, Ken and I had our third and final visit with our social worker for the home studies. It was not at all like I thought it would be which was a welcomed blessing. From here, we will do some back and forth editing between the agency and our social worker before it heads to the State of NC for approval. Ken and I are so happy to have this behind us and closer to the baby that God has waiting for us.

Unfortunately, Ken and I are now getting some religious opposition to our adoption...scriptures that state that no woman should be barren. I do not believe that, but that is another post. I would love to hear from you Christian ladies that chose to adopt after infertility. And to Shawnda, thank you for your support on the issue and wisdom...it was so appreciated...love you girl!

You all be blessed!

Adoption Update and More Ramblings

2007-02-05T15:22:00.000-05:00

Our first home study visit on Friday, which was a blessing. Our social worker is AWESOME! She was a lot of fun and made us feel very comfortable in the process. Our next visits are the 12th and 13th and then we are done with the home study...thank the Lord. Our next step is finishing up our online profile.

On Thursday night, Ken and I went to register at BRU and Target. We had already done a small registry at PBK for family members. That was fun, but probably not as exciting as if I was pregnant...who knows!

I am in a funk today! I just want to be normal. I feel like my life is currently out of control. I hate to miss work and the adoption processes have caused me to do so and will continue to cause me to do so. I want a normal job and a normal life and a normal religion and a normal reproductive system. Is that too much to ask. I am still excited about the adoption but just realize how we have NO control over this process. The thing that saddens me most is that I do not feel that people resepct our adoption as they would a pregnancy...if that makes any sense. For example, my SW came by the house on Friday and folks at my job were still calling me. If I had gone to an OB doctor's appointment, that would not have happened. I am going to be out on maternity leave for three months and no one has stop to make plans. I carry 75% of the weight in my office so my absence will create a dent...a BIG dent. If I was pregnant, people would pay more attention. I just feel like people view this adoption is second rate to conceiving and birthing a child and I am beginning to think that people will look at our little one with the same attitude. That makes me sad and angry. I just have a lot going on emotionally right now and I am no where near my PMS week. You all be blessed and keep me in prayer.

A Room for Baby C - The Yellow Chair + Other Ramblings

2007-01-31T11:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, I am so pumped up right now for a number of reasons! First, God is so good...I must say it again...God is so good! Second, we were contacted by the agency about a BM that is set to deliver in two weeks...whoo...we don't have our first home study visit until tomorrow. The BM is AA and wants an AA couple. The website only has one AA couple profile, so she wanted more options to look through. Needless to say, we received an e-mail from the agency director telling us to speed up the pictures and narratives, so I wil spend this evening focusing only on that. And third, Ken and I had been in prayer about selling one our two rental properties before adopting. We have tenants right now in both but our troubled property was the house that we bought when we married. We were putting the house back on the market next week with hopes of a bite. Well low and behold...to God be the glory...we received a letter in the mail from a local realtor who has a client that wants to buy...how wild is that (my quote for the week). So, hopefully we will have an offer this week and we pray that we can get our tenants out with love and no hard feelings...they really have been dead beat!

And last but not least, I am excited about my ebay win! On Sunday night, I purchased a yellow upholstered glider from someone on ebay. I was sad when I received an e-mail on Monday telling me that the item was out of stock (how do you sell something that you do not have in your posession...anywho). So, I was blessed to find another one that was in the midst of a bidding war...bummer! I kept watching it and placed my first bid at the 4 minute mark. After a scroll and click episode that ensued for 4 minutes and 10 seconds, I won the bid for the lovely chair pictured here. It is going to be so cute in the nursery...thank you Jesus!

NikNak

Food for Baby C

2007-01-28T21:40:00.000-05:00

So, I guess I will begin this post with the wonderful news that our first home study visit is scheduled for Thursday, February 1st at 2PM. Our social worker called on last Thursday and I was tickled that she could see us so soon. We will then have two follow up meetings and an official home study will follow...God is SOOOO good and the process is moving so smoothly!

SO, now I move to my latest struggle. For those that know me personally, you probably know my desire to BF our little one. When I found out that it was possible for an adoptive mother to BF, I was so excited. The opportunity to be like an "ordinary" mother. So, I ventured out to purchase nursing bras, pads, nipple creams, and storage bags. I picked up all the drugs prescribed by my doctor and added the protocol to my Treo/Palm, so that I could be reminded daily of what I need to take. After doing all of that, I begin to wonder wouldit be worth it. It was going to be A LOT of work to get milk production started and keep it going until our little one arrives...especially not knowing when this will occur. Pumping in a construction trailer and lugging a pump to and from Baltimore, was just not appealing. So I was struggling, weighing the pro's and con's of BF and FF. I know that BF is best for the baby, but Baby C will have had a bottle for at least seven days before he/she arrives home. It will take four weeks at a minimum to get Baby C accustomed to the breast if he/she takes it at all. I also did not want to be stressed out and tense, becasue Baby C will be able to sense this and make bonding harder.

The answer is clear, but it was such a hard decision for me, until my husband said, "Baby, almost every woman that gives birth can produce milk and feed her baby on the breast or through a bottle. Not many woman can love a child that was never birthed by them. You are right, you are not ordinary...you a extraordinary". That made me cry of course...what a great man that I have...thank you Jesus! Needless to say, I purchased powder formula bags this eveving and will be returning BF products to the stores this week. I will continue to be in prayer about my decision and hold on to my EXTRAORDINARY status :)

NikNak

Real Soon...Hopefully

2007-01-24T15:13:00.000-05:00

I am a little giddy right now becasue our agency just sent us a photo of their latest placement. It was a single black woman that adopted a newborn baby girl. She signed with the agency in December 2006 and already has a little one...it may be sooner than we think...that makes me very happy!!!

A Room for Baby C - Part 1

2007-01-17T22:19:00.000-05:00

For those of you that really know me, know that I love interior design. So, everyone has been asking about the nursery, which is flattering to me. I give all praise and honor to God who has given me this gift! So, I have decided to reveal pieces of the nursery...something fun and something to keep me motivated to get it done. I want to get it done quickly so that Ken and I can chill out as we wait instead of a mad scramble to get the room ready with a short amount of time to do.

So, I start with the bedding that we chose that is featured in the photo...this is not our nursery. I ended up ordering 98% of it from ebay, becasue the set was dicsontinued by Pottery Barn Kids about six months ago. The set is called Alphabet soup and features animals, alphabets and a slew of primary colors.

I am in love with it! It was truly God when I look back at how everything worked out. I ordered a 10 piece set from this great ebay seller, who also had some other great pieces that I purchased later. What a blessing! When things like this happen, I realize more and more how this whole adoption has been ordained by God and he has a baby just for us!

I love you Baby C...more than you will ever know!

Let the good times roll...

2007-01-16T21:56:00.000-05:00

With the holidays now behind us, I am happy to announce that Ken and I have offically signed up and paid our agent free for A Child's Hope Adoption Agency in Raleigh, NC. The specialize in NC domestic adoptions and are fortuante to deal with a large number of African-American birth mothers. We are tickled pink...tickled pink. We have a mandatory meeting at the agency on the 19th at which point we will be assigned a social worker to begin our homestudy process. It is hard to believe that we will probably be parents by April...a newborn to call our own. We are so excited with how God has chosen to grow our family...He is sooooo good!

Stay tuned....NikNak

Christmas Cards

2006-11-28T19:40:00.000-05:00

I vowed to make them myself this year and to get started early. To God be the glory, they were finished on the Friday following Thanksgiving and I got 97% of the envelopes addressed on Saturday evening. I only made 40, but it looks like I will need ten more. I handstamped the PEACE logo using a Stampin' Up set that I purchased and then used scrapbook paper for the rest. The inside is a stamp from the same set as well. The inside stamp reads as follows: May you have the gift of hope, the blessings of peace and the wonder of His love at Christmas and always. They were a blast to make and the stamp set was a lot of fun as well! ENJOY!

So Many Decisions

2006-11-28T19:13:00.000-05:00

Ken and I met with the Agency director on today, who happens to also be an attorney. I did not know what to expect so I was anxious and excited all at the same time...not a good combination. Nothing about the finances or process really surprised us, it was consistent with what we had always heard. We were just surprised at the condition of many of the girls that choose adoption. Some of the stories were overwhelming and I left there with my head spinning.

I cried after we had dinner on the way home...just a little upset that WE were chosen to bare this cross. Do not get me wrong, I am not opposed to adoption, but what woman would not want a natural child. So, then I begin to think, maybe being childless is not as bad it seems...with it comes a lot of freedom, but also many, many years of longing for a baby to hold. So, really, being childless is not an option. I just have to remember that the Lord says that if we delight ourselves in him, that he will give us the desires of our heart...He never says how that will happen.

So, we will spend the next few weeks sifting through the paperwork and info given to us today, praying and deciding on next steps. We really want to get one of our two rental properties sold before we move forward, but that may not be what God wants, so we will wait and see...waiting is so hard, but it must be done.

In His love...NikNak

Redefined

2006-11-20T22:09:00.000-05:00

Exactly one week ago, Ken's career coach joined us for dinner. I had no idea that this man had a specialty in life coaching as well, so I was in for a WONDERFUL surprise. Ken had been meeting with him over the past three months and I noticed such a change in him. He was a different person, even becoming more positive about work. AMAZING! So after dinner, we went over the homework given to us by the coach at Ken's previous session. He took our answers and created additional questions for us to answer that hew ould walk us through to answer.

In short, I decided that one thing that I needed to do is redefine myself. Define who I was a wife, mother, career woman, sister, etc. I quickly realized that my redefinition would actually be an initial defining of myself. For so long, I defined myself by what others thought of me or as I related to those around me. This infetiltity thing is causing me to look at myself in a whole new light. See, we all just assume that we will get married, have children and live happily ever after. Well, this is not the case for us...our fairy tale was interrupted. This interruption is affecting EVERY area of my life whether I want to deal with it or not...I have decided to tackle this head on.

I truly believe that there is something in all of this that the Lord wants me to see. There is something to be gained here and I am eager to see what I become as a result of this situation. I will never be the same again and that may not be a bad thing. It is weird to type that and think that, but it is true.

So as the redefinition begins...I will remain open to what God wants to do in my life.

Be blessed!

NikNak

Life Plans

2006-11-05T20:03:00.000-05:00

I have given up on having any. I wan to just live life as a fluid process in order to avoid disappointment. Have you ever felt like everyone else has a clear plan for their lives and things ALWAYS go as planned? I do...it appears to happen for everyone around us, just not for us. I know that Jeremiah speaks on the fact that the Lord knows the plans that he has for us...I just never feel like my desires line up with what He has for me. I even think that my desires are His desires, but...WRONG!

As my DH and I were walking from dinner in Washington, DC this evening...we begin to have the above conversation. And before I could finish my statement, he was completing my sentence. He, like myself, feels that NOTHING in our lives has ever been easy...NOTHING. I don't know why we thought that becoming parents would be any different. As we look towards adoption, we are gearing up for the worst and possibly some disappointment...I know in my heart that this road will be just as tough as the last 18 months have proven to be. I would like to think differently...just afriad to.

Be blessed...NikNak

The Pain...

2006-11-02T22:46:00.000-05:00

is unbearable! Over the past few weeks Ken and I have been looking at our options and after an appointment with the urologist, we were really looking hard at adoption. For us, adoption is not a way for us to "fix" our infertilty, instead the fulfillment of a desire that we always had. The plan was to always have one of our own and adopt one...it was looking like things had slightly changed, but were okay with that. We were at peace with our decision and the love that we could share with a child until we received a call tonight.

My twin sister is pregnant with her second child. We are SOOOO happy for her and her family, while at the same time we are even more saddened by our present situation. They so deserve a second baby, becuase they are such good parents, much better than I am sure that we could ever be. They were also trying for a little under a year, so she has been patient and endured the wait. Her call confirmed to us that it is not God's will for us to be parents....each call/e-mail that we recieve with this message drives home the fact that this will never be us.

The best way to explain how I feel right now is I wish that I did not have to wake up in the morning. I am in no way suicidal, just wishing that one good night of sleep could make this nightmare go away. I am still trying to figure out what we did to deserve this...I know that it is something, I just cannot put my hand on it. Everyone around us seems to have perfect lives, except my husband and I. Over the past year, we have been plagued with disappointment and bad news...so much that we hate to answer the phone and read non work releated e-mails. We just know that more bad news is around the corner. I just wonder how long all of this will last. I know that the Lord does not put more on us than we can bare, but I am doubting that whole concept right now...I reached my quota about three months ago.

So I sign off tonight, probably saddened most by the fact that I will wake up in the morning with the same problems and issues. I will wake up every morning for the rest of my life with same problem and issues...I am an infertile for life...that is my cross to bear. I also used to think that all crosses were the same size...I now realize that my husband and I were given three each instead of the normal one.

Sorry to be depressing...just being honest with where I am right now.

NikNak

Adoption?!?!?!?

2006-10-16T15:14:00.000-04:00

My DH's S/A showed eight sperm...that is about 5 million too low, so it looks like we will not be able to have children naturally...our chances are SUPER slim, and the doctors do not see how it can happen. We now have three options, donor sperm, NOT; adoption or to remain childless. Our heads are swimming right now. I have honestly made peace with the entire situation, I guess expecting the worst panned out for me. I will keep you all posted on progress...just not sure of where we go from here. Take care....NikNak

All Clear...

2006-10-09T19:43:00.000-04:00

Well blogger family...I am all clear. It was so strange to see dye flow through my uterus and tubes and then out into my body. The procedure itself was horrible and I pray that I will never have to endure that again. The insertion of catheter into my cervix was the worst and everything from that point was a breeze. I had just never experienced cramps or pain like that before, but it is all behind me know...PTL. My next appointment is on Monday, 10/16, and it is then that I will also get the results of Ken's S/A, since he left a sample today when I was having my procedure done.

It is so weird, but I really thought that I would be more anxious at this stage of the game, but I am truly at peace with all that is going on. We are TOO blessed to let this be the determining factor in our lives as a couple and as children of God. We all have a cross to bear and although mine can sometimes be heavy, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

You all be blessed!!!
NikNak

Scheduled

2006-10-05T22:13:00.000-04:00

Ken and I are both scheduled for testing on Monday, October 9th. I will be having an HSG done, while Ken has a sperm analysis done. It is so weird, but I have made such peace with all that is going on in our lives right now. I have reset my baby ticker to 35 years old and I am going to rest in that. This is no race that I am running...the Lord is not concerned with marathons, just getting his glory in the end...which He will.

I will post an update on Monday...hopefully some REAL direction on how the Lord wants us to proceed from there. Prayers are appreciated!!!

In His love...NikNak

Tough Days

2006-09-28T21:54:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how I sometimes feel that infetility equals unexplainable points of depression and extreme doubt. The last two days have been hard for me! I have been in the dumps because our one year anniversary of TTC is tomorrow; we still have no baby to hold. My faith is so strong right now, so I am not doubting that the Lord can do this for us...just wondering how long we will be waiting. A year so far, a series of days, weeks and months...nothing more; nothing less. Funny, how the time just sneaks up on you and then, it happens, the one year mark comes and goes and it has now become one year and one day, then one year and one week and then one year and six months.

I guess that the last two days were not made any better when dear friends of ours asked us if we would be Godparents for their second son. We were honored, but at the same time, it was another reminder that my womb is still barren. It broke my heart to hear my DH ask, "Why are we always Godparents and never parents." He said it jokingly, but I know deep down inside he is as disappointed as I am. Disappointed, not defeated!

So, I am preparing my heart and mind fin prayer for moving into year two, which appears to hold a new set of challenges and decisions to be made. I just want to keep my head up and stay strong in mind, body and soul. I know that the Lord will strengthen us as needed to get through this next season of life.

I wanted to leave with you 5 things that I have learned this year:
1. Always start TTC earlier than when you want a baby, because you never know how long it will take.
2. Put value in the strength of your marriage through the Lord.
3. God has given us infertility. becasue every couple cannot handle the stress and heartache that it brings.
4. Marry a man that will love you no matter how much he knows that one day a part of you may disappoint him.
5. And last but not least, God is faithful, even when we are not.

You all be blessed in His love...NikNak

Better News...

2006-09-26T16:25:00.000-04:00

On last Monday, Spetember 18th, I went to see a Reproductive Endocronologist at one of the local university hosiptals. I was SOOO reluctant to go, but oh SOOO happy that I took the time to do it. It took me three months to get the appointment and it all paid off in the end. My doctor is a young women in her mid thirties, much like myself, who is pregnant with her first child. It was a blessing to talk to someone that specializes in my "sickness" and has some good ideas on how to get answers and fix things. My next step, if AF shows up on October 2nd, is to go in for an HSG. Not a procedure that I am looking forward to, but one that I know that I should have. They will insert an "iodine solution" through my cervix into my uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure that my tubes are not blocked. If my tubes are blocked, then they can be scrapped and then we would probably be pregnant within a three month period...very encouraging!!

A piece of me is hoping that it is my tubes, because I know that the tubes are fixable. That is a crazy thought to have, but truthful. I would love for AF to not show up this month...that would be a such a great miracle to have occur. I am just holding on to the faith that October is going to be a great month for Ken and I with or without a baby. We have Jesus and we know that HE is more important than anything that he could ever give to us.

Be blessed!!

No Real News

2006-09-01T21:37:00.000-04:00

Well, Ken met with his urologists today, and after reading the reports, it appears that the news is neither good nor bad. They were able to get counts and his motility was good, but unfortuantely, the temp of the samples, upon testing, were lower than what they wanted. This will due to transport time and the time that the lab was able to test. The volume of the samples was not enough either, so now they want to run more tests. So, it looks like he is back to the doctor on Tuesday for lab work...essentially, more tests.

I am pretty numb right now...just wondering if the Lord really keeps ALL of his promises, because the one that I thought was a promise for me, cannot possibly be true now. I really belived that he said that I would be holding our baby in my arms before our next anniversary, but this is no longer possible...we have passed the date unless there is some premature baby on the way. I am really begin to think that he may have meant by adoption...but who knows at this point. Just in a weird place right now...so Orlando is starting to look better and better. Please keep us in your prayers as we move forward into whatever the Lord may have in store for us.

In His love...NikNak

Two

2006-08-26T09:14:00.000-04:00

Two sperm samples done within a one week period...we met our goal...praise the Lord! It was tough to go without nookie for seven days, but Ken and I know that it was what we had to do. Transporting the samples was interesting because it had to be kept body temperature, so I wrapped the cup in a t-shirt and shoved it between my legs...a little awkward driving that way in 8:00AM traffic. We just thank God that this is all behind us now!

Ken and I continue to enjoy this month off and decided to sneak in a mini vacation before our Orlando excursion in two weeks. We are now in Danville, VA, which is only about 60 miles from home, but in a completely different state. It is a nice mid size town with a quaint downtown, great shopping and a river. We are supposed to purchase a new digital camera while we are here, so I may post pics later this weekend.

I am really feeling more peaceful these days about my state and believing God that it will happen for us one day and I also believe that we are going to be blessed with two babies...Ken continues to have this vision as well...now that makes me VERY excited just thinking about it. I am beginning to release my fears about having a baby in my mid 30's and just relaxing. Whenever it happens, it will be perfect timing for Ken and I...God's perfect timing...it doesn't get any better than that.

So, we are now off to grab some breakfast and do some sightseeing. I leave you with one of my favorite scriptures...I will have this painted over the cribs of our baby(ies) when we conceive...Philippians 4:8 reads...

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

In His love....NikNak

Someone Must Have an Answer

2006-08-23T21:06:00.000-04:00

Why is it that as soon as my life slows down, it picks up momentum again. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being busy, but there is definitley an art to laziness. So what do I have going on do you ask...let's take a look:

- Personal Training (Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday at lunch): I hired a personal trainer on last week and I am determined to get my $50/hour worth EVERY time that I meet with Kevin. This is no treadmill work either, all kettle weights and hard work. I have only attended twice and I am enjoying myself. I have also started to chart my calorie intake at www.fitday.com. This is a great website! I just want to loose weight and have fun doing it. I am also doing cardio five days a week to supplement the weight lifting.

- Real Estate Classes (Tuesday and Thursday from 6-9PM): Why am I doing this to myself again...because I failed the first class by just one point. So, I am back again. Classes start on September 5th and do not end until December 17th...so when do I Christmas shop and make Christmas cards?

- City of Durham Appearance Commission (Third Wednesday of Every Month): I received my appointment letter on today and I was thrilled. This is a commission that advices the Planning Commission and City Council on City/County appearance items dealing with architecture, infrastructure and all that jazz. It is an honor to serve and I will do so proudly. I even have to be sworn in by the City Clerk before my first meeting...sounds official doesn't it. Oh, my term is not over until April 2009....whoa!

Orlando (Septmebr 8th to 14th): Yes, I will miss one or two RE classes, before anyone asks. Ken and I have traveled to Orlando every year since we got married. This year we are going to venture away from Disney World and go check out Universal and Islands of Adventures as well. I am SOOOO looking forward to this vacation. All of the tickets have been bought (on Ebay of course), flights and resort booked; the only thing left is the a rental car. Ken...get us a car boo-boo!

So, as you can see, I will picking up a few additional responsibilites, some temporary and some long term, but nonetheless, I am sooo blessed. Life is so good right now...feel like I am making better health choices, like waking earlier in order to prepare a high protein breakfast before work. Also having daily devotional time and more time with my boo-boo.

TTC Update: Ken did his first S/A on Monday...I made the drop off and he will do another one on tomorrow or Friday. We will not know anything until September 1st, so I will be sure to post our results here. We took the month off, so we have enjoyed our rabbit like tendancies in just making love and not trying to make a baby. We will probably start TTC again after my RE appointment on September 18th. God has been so great about bringing me peace, moving me from obsession to just waiting on Him...I now know that worrying will not make this thing happen any faster....AMEN.

Yall be blessed!

NikNak

I am extremely sad...

2006-08-08T20:54:00.000-04:00

I guess that having everyone else around you pregnant doesn’t help? And I dare not mention those friends that are working on baby number two and three. I really do not know what to think anymore. Kenneth thinks that if I exercise and eat right and focus on my health, that everything will come together. I honestly do not believe that. Two rounds of Clomid, months of charting and timed sex with nothing to show for our efforts, is very discouraging.

Kenneth and I are taking the month of August off to just chill out and enjoy being married without the struggles of trying to conceive. I wish someone had told me about the emotional struggles that we would endure and that our marriage would be tried. I wish someone had told me that my faith would be tried and that I would doubt that there was a God at all. I wish someone had told me these things. But, no one had the experience to tell me about somewhere that they had never been.

Yes, I am bitter that we have not been CHOSEN; chosen to care for one of the Lord’s greatest creations, a new life. I often look at women that conceive without any problem and wonder what it feels like to just have it happen without any effort. A part of me wants to believe that I am privileged to have the struggle, making me more appreciative of the life that God will hopefully one day have grow inside of me. But as soon as I think this thought, I get bitter because they are achieving happiness that I so desire to experience.

Honestly, all I want to do is be able to go into a Pottery Barn Kids store to buy something for our baby to be. Every quarter, I search the website and store to see what they have new and like clock work, they clearance out the product that I love, but always replace it with something that I love even more. Oh the torture! So, I continue to sit and wait for my anniversary with a party hat, streamers and horn…of course with no baby in tow.

My faith is failing quickly....

NikNak

Negative

2006-07-30T09:23:00.000-04:00

That is what the test said this morning once again. I am at 12DPO, so AF should be here on Tuesday or Wednesday. I have had cramps for the last five days so this should be an indication of her soon arrival. It was very strange, but I had a BFP dream right before I took the test. In the dream, I was running around the house covering my mouth trying to contain myself...it was really cute. Should have been an indication of what was to come.

Ken and I had a talk last night and one again this morning. We decided to stop using the Clomid. This cycle was horrible. I hate the way that it made me feel and the closer that I get the AF, the worse the side effects become and he hates to see me like this. So, that means that we will be chilling for a while. We will still be TTC, but with no temping, no OPK's, nothing but sex....and probably no timed BD'ing. We are just tired.

Ken goes for his S/A referral appt on Monday, so depending on how long it takes to set up a session to gather the sample, we should know something by Friday. I feel terrible saying this, but a piece of me feels that there is going to be something wrong...I pray not, but I can just feel it.

The morning of my four year anniversary back in May, I was laying in bed praying. The Lord spoke to me and said that by this time next year, you will be holding your baby in your arms. I am now beginning to think that he method of motherhood was not our own baby, but adoption. The Lord still has ten months to make something happen if that is His will for our lives. I probably just heard him wrong and He actually said two, three years from now.

Oh well, I guess the next few months will hold much much relaxed sex for us, no stresses of timed BDing and no early alarm clock wake ups for temping. That works for me. The good thing about all of this is that when we travel to Orlando in September, I will be able to ride EVERYTHING in the parks.

In short, I guess that I have still not found the faith that I am looking for. Too much heartache and pain in beleiving God for a baby from my womb. I am going to have to start believing him for adoption...easy, smooth and cheap, but he has got to work on Ken first.

I will spend the next few months looking for a new OB/GYN since my insurance runs out in September with my current one. My next annual isn't until May, but I do not want to wait that long before I make a decision. Please send up your prayers for me during my search. I will keep you all posted.

NikNak

I am barren...

2006-07-28T08:59:00.000-04:00

there, I said it. It doesn't feel good to say, but it is the truth. At 10DPO, I took an HPT this morning and it was a BFN...not surprising at all. It has been the norm for the past ten months now. My DH and I are coming up on an unofficial one year anniversary of TTC at the end of September. He likes to ignore September, October, November and December of 2005, but if I was taking HPT's and having timed sex, it counts to me. Men are so different.

Daily, I am becoming more and more okay with being barren. There are things in life that I am good at: entertaining, working as a real estate developer, being a wife, scrapbooking, decorating, and ministry with children...I am sure that there are some that I am missing. Maybe parenting is not one of my strong suits, and teh Lord knows best. There is a reason that he has not blessed us with a baby and I know that he knows best. Maybe something tragic is going to happen to my DH or I soon and he wants to save us from heartache and confusion. Or maybe we just are not living right...maybe there is something terribly wrong with our marriage that we do not know or it hasn't been shown to us yet. Or yet, maybe there is some horrible sin that my DH and I are harboring, and it has not been revealed yet. All I know is that there is something wrong with us and I am tired of trying to figure out or pray about what it is. Just tired.
NikNak

It is done...

2006-07-22T17:10:00.000-04:00

Vacation Bible School that is. This evening, we had our Fiesta Finale, a time for the children to show their parents what they learned during the week. What a relief to get everything finished up...to God be the glory. I feel bad for complaining about all the time and sacrifice that running the program took because the children really enjoyed themselves and the parents were VERY appreciative. Everyone commented on how great the program was and how organized that I am...I took no credit, because it all belongs to the Lord! So, I have been given some thought to doing it again next year...I will let the Lord lead. I love the children and their response to learning more about Jesus...my heart melts for their tiny souls!!!

So, now that VBS is over, I can now start thinking about TTC. As always, I have been bad...looking at baby stuff again. It happens every month as I get closer to the day of testing. I, like always, visited the Pottery Barn Kids site, in hopes that the new bedding products had been added. THEY WERE! My new favorite is Twinkle Twinkle ...just too cute! I know that I shouldn't have, but it was oh so tempting!

NikNak

Another good month

2006-07-20T21:30:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it has been 10 days since my last post, and I have been very busy. With Vacation Bible School filling my nights and non-stop work filling my days, I have not had a lot of time to think of TTC, so when I realized that I was at CD16 and had not had a vaginal ultrasound to check my follies, I panicked. PTL, that I was able to be seen on Tuesday afternoon...great since I had a positive OPK that morning...THE FIRST EVER! Good things come to those to wait, becasue aftering waiting an hour for the tech, I found out that I had four beautiful follies, each at 3mm or more. I was so EXCITED...but BD'ing would have to be put off until VBS was over for the night. My right ovary, which has always been healthiest, had three follies and the left had one. I was so EXCITED...did I say that yet. I was expecting the Clomid to work, but going from one egg on 50mg to four eggs on 100mg was a big jump. I am a little fearful of increasing my dosage, becuase more egss mean more opportunity for a multiple birth. My DH and I would love twins, but we just do not know about more than that...but if it is God's will, we will be happy with any number of His sweetest gifts.

I also started charting this month...6AM each morning, my alarm goes off to wake me for temperature taking. It has been amazing to see how God has orchestrated the woman's body. Just a simple temperature can indicate ovulation and pregnancy...GOD IS AMAZING!

Well, I am signing off for the evening. Just one more night of VBS instruction then a finale night on Sabbath at 7PM...that is going to be fun. The kids have been great and God answered my prayers. I was praying for 40 kids and PTL, we have 58 children registered!

Be blessed...NikNak

Cycle Two

2006-07-10T20:06:00.000-04:00

I feel like it has been so long since I have left a blog message. Between life, Vacation Bible School and work, I cannot keep up with what is going on. AF paid me a visit on July 3rd, so I started a new cycle of Clomid on Friday, July 7th...only one more day left. My doctor increased my dosage from 50mg to 100mg per day. I have yet to see any side effects besides terrible fatigue, but that could be a part of my stressful life. I just pray that this is our month and if not, then I will just continue.

I decided to chart my temperature this month so that I could see how my body changes during a cycle and to see if my body can tell me what to expect during the month. Everything looks good so far, but I am only at CD 9, so who knows what the future holds, but the master himself :)

So, I am so looking forward to the weekend...Ken and I will be traveling to Myrtle Beach for my father's family reunion. My twin sister, BIL and my dear nephew will be there as well...Good Times...Good Times. I am just happy that we have the time to go this year since the last two summers did not offer us the option. Eventhough VBS will begin the day following our return...I will need the break before a week of late nights with the Lord's children. Ken will also get to play some golf with our BIL, which will give them some bonding man time.

Speaking of VBS...that is all that I can think about right now. Our downstairs is covered with VBS items and decorations. My husband has been such a trooper and has offered to help paint the adobes for the Fiesta theme "backdrop". Praise the Lord that everything is coming together. I now have 21 volunteers to teach which is a blessing in and of itself. Tomorrow night, 19 of them will join me in my home for training, so that should prove to be eventful, but fun.

It is so funny, but my life is too busy right now to even think about getting PG, especially since I decided to hire a personal trainer...thanks for the inspiration from my Charlotte sisters :) I go and meet with the trainer on Monday which is someone that I am acquainted with from the YMCA, so this should be fun. She is about six months pregnant, but even with a big belly, she will probably still give me a heck of a workout...we will see if skinniness is in my future.

In His love...which is greater than none other...
NikNak

Am I Doing Enough?

2006-07-02T20:41:00.000-04:00

The weekend was a busy one in our household. I taught Sabbath School in the infant's class and then I was back home to prepare for a baby shower that I was hosting with others. I was dying to take an HPT, so I did and unfortunately, it came back a BFN. I really did not know what to think about it and becasue I was in the throws of preparation, I haven't thought about it until this evening.

Being on the Clomid has seemed to throw off my cycle and make my PMS soar. I have every symptom of a PG woman, but no baby is growing inside of me. So now, I am waiting for AF so that I start my second cycle of Clomid at 100mg.

I have been thinking that I am not doing enough to get PG with PCOS...like I am missing something. Maybe there is a test, maybe it is my diet, maybe the frequency of sex...I am just not sure. My spirit tells me that these thoughts are just a trick of the enemy trying to discourage me, while my mind and body say that I am doing something wrong. I JUST DO NOT KNOW...and it is starting to drive me mad. My faith is not wavering about being blessed with a baby...I just somehow feel that I am slowing up the process.

Once again...this is nothing that can't be answered with prayer, but as I wait for an answer, I will still wonder.
NikNak

Our Lord has a sense of humor...he...he...he

2006-06-28T21:35:00.000-04:00

Something really strange happened to me on Monday, June 26th and it just had to be the Lord. My co-worker and I decided to go to a local downtown Mexican restuarant for lunch. We went in, were seated immediately and enjoyed a laughter filled lunch together. As we prepared to pay at the counter, I moved much faster than my co-worker as I was paying with cash and she with a debit card. While I paid in the "cash" line, there was a familiar little girl sitting at a table close to the register playing on a LeapFrog pad. I recognized her as the owners' daughter and me in my normal manner, spoke to her. After paying, I went over to chat with her as I waited on my coworker to finish. She immediately asked me if I was having lunch with a friend and I said yes as I pointed out my coworker. She then asked if I had any children. I answered no for myself and informed her that my friend did have a daughter. When I answered no for myself she started to touch my tummy and proceded to tell me that I was going to have a baby...and she smiled a smile that would melt a father's heart. She kept saying that and even as my coworker joined me to leave, she said it once more. I asked her how old she was and she said seven. I walked out of the restaurant feeling refreshed and certain that the Lord had just spoken through a seven year old angel. Lord, I thank you for your promises and constantly reminding me that DELAY DOES NOT MEAN DENIAL.
NikNak

Love is in the Air...

2006-06-21T15:44:00.000-04:00

It is so strange, but I am falling in love with my husband all over again. He has been so great about the TTC thing...it is truly amazing! Those of you that know him, know that he is a no excuses kind of person that will not take no for an answer...work is its own reward. But through this process, he has softened up so much, realizing that it is good for both of us. I have ALWAYS loved my husband, but my love has grown tremendously. He really wants a baby and I can now see it in all that he says and does...he is going to make a great father. It is so nice to see this side of him more often...I love you Boo-Boo!

Had a crazy day on yesterday. I woke up in a lot of pain and sat out of work. My DH was VERY concerned, so we headed to my PCP for a check up. They did an exam and u/s and found nothing. I really believe that I was ovulating but did not know what to expect on Clomid. I feel like both ovaries were busy...hopefully working on our twins. I just pray that I will have good news to share in two weeks...much prayer...much prayer. And if not, on to 100mg of Clomid...God is able!

NikNak

I Have an Egg!

2006-06-15T21:07:00.000-04:00

No, not an egg that you buy at the grocery store but one that is a pure blessing from the Lord. Choosing to take Clomid involves a process to make sure that the drug is working. After taking CLomid for cd5 to cd9, the doctor likes to complete a vaginal ultrasound on cd12 or cd13 to see if you have an egg waiting to ovulate. Well when the technician looked...it was there, measuring 1.8mm...possibly the beginning of a precious baby for Ken and I...that is SO exciting! The egg means sex ALL weekend...but I am NOT complaining!

In all honesty, the ultrasound was confirmation for what I already knew. I believed that there was an egg and it was...oh teh power of faith. I purchased a new book on last night at the suggestion of a new dear blogger friend, Niki (Thank you Niki!). The book, Supernatural Childbirth is incredible! The book was only $7.99 at Barnes and Noble, which was a delightful surprise.

In hearing the title I was thinking...don't I need to be pregnant first. No, this book begins with conception and the way that we think about pregancy. It focuses on believing that God wants to bless you with a baby too. Just one night of reading has changed my approach to conception, pregnancy and childbirth. I received EVERY word spoken in that book and I believe that the Lord has a baby(ies) for Ken and I and I know that they will be with us sooner than we think.

Lord, I thank you in advance for the babies and children that will fill our home. I thank you for our devotion to you as parents that will teach our children to know and fear you. Lord, I thank you for your love and sacrifice that I did not deserve. Lord, I thank you for making me me!

Nik Nak

Day Five

2006-06-12T14:59:00.000-04:00

Today is day five of Clomid, my final day this cycle, and I am happy that I still have no side effects. I feel good and actually rather mellow...surprising. Whenever I see the word moodiness, I often think of someone in a bad mood or someone that is grumpy. This medicine has had the opposite effect on me. I have been more chill and less stress. I think that my hubby would even agree with that statement. Today, I called the doctor's office to set up my follicle ultrasound...this is all becoming so real for me...I am officially a science experiment. I am thinking that I will need to go in on Thursday or Friday, but the appointment nurse will have more info when she calls me back.

I am truly starting to get over some of my feelings of envy in seeing other women, particularly friends and family, who are pregnant. I hate to admit this fact, but it is true. I have found that there is such joy in sharing this time with them and anticipating my time to come. In this Christian walk, I have to take the focus off of myself and place it on the Lord. In doing this, I am given the privilege to see His greatness, which immediately fills me with a sense of peace and love. This is a tough concept, especially when I think that I have control over things in my life. I don't and I have to continually remind myself of that. Why fret over something that I cannot change...because I cannot change a thing alone...it is all only possible through the power of the Lord. I pray that I allow the Lord to comfort me when I feel weak and discouraged as I wait for my blessing. I pray the same for all of my buddies that are where I am right now or have been there...love ya!

NikNak

Not too bad so far...

2006-06-08T22:35:00.000-04:00

Today, I took my first Clomid pill. I guess I was expecting some big event to occur or some side effects to come on immediately...nothing. No moodiness, no headaches, no nausea, no vomitting, nothing...I praise God for that. I just hope and pray that the next four days will offer me the same delight. Sakira....stop smiling.

On this journey, I have found myself often embarrased by our inability to conceive. When I think back on those moments, I realize how silly I am. I guess it is because a part of me believes that my barreness is caused by some ugly sin in my life that I cannot seem to walk away from. I then become very critical of myself and feel even more inadequate. I wonder why I do this, because it has no benefit to my mental or emotional state. It takes me five seconds to get into that mood and then five days to get out of that mood...oh the torture. My prayer is that everytime that I see this mood coming, that I can cut it off at the pase and take the focus off of me and place it on God. I can only be embarrased if I focus on myself and my inability, but with God, there is power, and He is the source of ALL things!

I am not thrilled about putting this drug in my body, but my as my DH says, he can keep sending the bus to the bus stop every month, but if there are no kids to board, then the bus drives off. I just pray that there are children waiting there for the bus this month and it would great if no more than two get on board and take a ride....BEEP....BEEP. Be blessed!

Nik Nak

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is

lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

An Eventful Weekend

2006-06-05T21:21:00.000-04:00

Well, AF showed up on yesterday. She was a little early, but I was expecting things to be crazy since I had that steroid in my system. Yesterday also brought a surprise fall at the Cheesecake Factory that kept me out of work today. Flip Flops, rain and a clumsy 30 year old are not a good combination.

I made the decision on last night to stop asking people when they are going to have children or ask how are things going for those TTC. A large part of me asks because I am generally concerned, the other 1/8 is looking to comapre. Just wondering if it is going to take everyone as long as it has taken me. I know how uncomfortable it can make me feel, so I am going to do others the favor and not ask them as well.

After seeing my OB/GYN on Friday, Ken and I have decided to start Clomid, at the doctor's encouraging. It was a tough decision but one that I know some folks will be happy to hear...yes Sakira, I am talking about you :) Since today is CD2, I will start taking the drug on Thursday so some of my blogs over the weekend may show signs of moodiness...he...he...he. I just hope and pray that my husband can handle that.

Well, I am off to sleep now...these muscle relaxers have had me whoozy, sometimes drooling and sleeping, all day long. On my next blog, I will have to share my book idea with you all.

Finding Faith....Nakira

Praise the LORD. Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD...He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD. Psalms 113:1, 9

Anniversaries

2006-06-02T08:45:00.000-04:00

I have found that some anniversaries are worth celebrating and others aren't. 2006, like the past five years have come with anniversaries. In March, Ken and I celebrated five years together; in May we celebrated four years of marital bliss (I really mean that); and now in June, we celebrate five months of TTC. I believe the number is more like eight months since we did try some the last three months of 2005, but we leave those off since we were not real serious at the time.

Five months does not seem like a long time in the scheme of all that is going on. The doctors say try six months and then get back with them if nothing has happened. So today, I praise God that it has only been five months, although it just seems like it has been a LOT longer. But, I am now realizing that every day that passes is a day closer to me being a mother and Ken being a daddy.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40: 31-32

It Starts Again

2006-05-31T22:43:00.000-04:00

Today is CD22 for me and the PMS is starting already. I do not want it to be, but this cycle is probably a bust. I fear that the steroids were not good for my body, so it will be interesting to see what the month of June holds for me. I have a GYN annual on Friday, so it will be interesting to see what my doctor has to say. He will probably be surprised that I have not started the Clomid that he prescribed some three months ago, but both my husband and I want to give the natural thing a try.

I started my baby fight starter questions with my DH on tonight. He is so patient with me and can smell those fights coming. He just walks away and lets me vent. This is normally an indication of the PMS start and it is like clock work. I feel sorry for my DH, because I know that he is constantly praying for me and our situation. I just prayer that his prayers are answered and there is a transfer of faith.

NikNak