I guess that having everyone else around you pregnant doesn’t help? And I dare not mention those friends that are working on baby number two and three. I really do not know what to think anymore. Kenneth thinks that if I exercise and eat right and focus on my health, that everything will come together. I honestly do not believe that. Two rounds of Clomid, months of charting and timed sex with nothing to show for our efforts, is very discouraging.
Kenneth and I are taking the month of August off to just chill out and enjoy being married without the struggles of trying to conceive. I wish someone had told me about the emotional struggles that we would endure and that our marriage would be tried. I wish someone had told me that my faith would be tried and that I would doubt that there was a God at all. I wish someone had told me these things. But, no one had the experience to tell me about somewhere that they had never been.
Yes, I am bitter that we have not been CHOSEN; chosen to care for one of the Lord’s greatest creations, a new life. I often look at women that conceive without any problem and wonder what it feels like to just have it happen without any effort. A part of me wants to believe that I am privileged to have the struggle, making me more appreciative of the life that God will hopefully one day have grow inside of me. But as soon as I think this thought, I get bitter because they are achieving happiness that I so desire to experience.
Honestly, all I want to do is be able to go into a Pottery Barn Kids store to buy something for our baby to be. Every quarter, I search the website and store to see what they have new and like clock work, they clearance out the product that I love, but always replace it with something that I love even more. Oh the torture! So, I continue to sit and wait for my anniversary with a party hat, streamers and horn…of course with no baby in tow.
My faith is failing quickly....
NikNak
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Christmas 2007
Ken, Nakira and Kayden
Christmas 2007
About Me
- Nakira
- O' Carolina, United States
- After dealing with infertility for about two years, we were led by God to adoption. The blog has gone from looking for faith to looking for sanity on this road called motherhood!
4 comments:
I don't even really have the words to say because I am going through the same thing. Just know that you are not alone and there are people who understand.
I also feel like with diet and exercise and losing some weight I may be able to conceive easier but who knows really? Plenty of people a whole lot bigger than me get pregnant. hugs
Nakira, I saw your blog in your sig on SoulCysters. My heart really aches for you. My husband & I also have a heart for Jesus and we definitely went through periods of doubt and hurt and times that we couldn't even find a word for the difficulty and distance from our God. We tried 4 rounds of Clomid, IUI with injectibles & months & months & months of TCOYF planning - nothing. About 17 (honestly) of my girlfriends became pregnant since Jan 06, even those who weren't trying.
At church I began to feel repulsed by all the babies & round-bellied moms. I shared that pain with my small group. It was good to have help bearing that terrible feeling.
God saw fit to allow us to concieve in May (without meds - we were out of money). I say that not to cause envy, but with the humble desire to encourage my sister that our God will act on behalf of his children - in some mysterious way: conception, adoption, peace beyond understanding. I don't know what's to come, but I'm praying for you & Ken.
Grace & peace
Nakira, I just keep reading & feeling more connected with you. The week that I mentioned feeling so frustrated, we sang the song that goes, "Let the weak say I am strong; let the poor say I am rich; let the blind say I can see; it's what the Lord has done in me."
I was crying & praying, "God, I want to say, 'Let the barren say I'm with child, it's what the Lord has done in me."
Please hold fast to the dream he placed in your heart on your anniversary. His ways are miraculous & He makes his promises true.
I'm thankful for the closeness I feel Jesus creating in my heart for you.
Wow Nik.
I could have written your post. I so relate to the rollercoaster of emotion.
I just want to encourage you to keep on believing and expecting your miracle.
I know it's not easy.
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