is unbearable! Over the past few weeks Ken and I have been looking at our options and after an appointment with the urologist, we were really looking hard at adoption. For us, adoption is not a way for us to "fix" our infertilty, instead the fulfillment of a desire that we always had. The plan was to always have one of our own and adopt one...it was looking like things had slightly changed, but were okay with that. We were at peace with our decision and the love that we could share with a child until we received a call tonight.
My twin sister is pregnant with her second child. We are SOOOO happy for her and her family, while at the same time we are even more saddened by our present situation. They so deserve a second baby, becuase they are such good parents, much better than I am sure that we could ever be. They were also trying for a little under a year, so she has been patient and endured the wait. Her call confirmed to us that it is not God's will for us to be parents....each call/e-mail that we recieve with this message drives home the fact that this will never be us.
The best way to explain how I feel right now is I wish that I did not have to wake up in the morning. I am in no way suicidal, just wishing that one good night of sleep could make this nightmare go away. I am still trying to figure out what we did to deserve this...I know that it is something, I just cannot put my hand on it. Everyone around us seems to have perfect lives, except my husband and I. Over the past year, we have been plagued with disappointment and bad news...so much that we hate to answer the phone and read non work releated e-mails. We just know that more bad news is around the corner. I just wonder how long all of this will last. I know that the Lord does not put more on us than we can bare, but I am doubting that whole concept right now...I reached my quota about three months ago.
So I sign off tonight, probably saddened most by the fact that I will wake up in the morning with the same problems and issues. I will wake up every morning for the rest of my life with same problem and issues...I am an infertile for life...that is my cross to bear. I also used to think that all crosses were the same size...I now realize that my husband and I were given three each instead of the normal one.
Sorry to be depressing...just being honest with where I am right now.
NikNak
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Christmas 2007
Ken, Nakira and Kayden
Christmas 2007
About Me
- Nakira
- O' Carolina, United States
- After dealing with infertility for about two years, we were led by God to adoption. The blog has gone from looking for faith to looking for sanity on this road called motherhood!
1 comment:
This was HELPFUL to read!! Thanks for sharing so openly!!! It's soooooo good for others to hear the pain of infertility!!! I remember the years of us trying before we adopted - it was HARD!!! Hence Samuel and Keziah's names!!!! I cried a LOT. I hated going to church b/c there was always another pregnant woman. And people always told me that we'd have a baby in God's timing....not helpful. It wasn't that I didn't believe that. I did. It just wasn't a response to my heart. It was a "fix it" response that DID NOT fix anything! I needed my heart heard...my pain heard. Though our road has changed dramatically over the past 2 yrs, that season was very hard. I'm excited the Lord has you on the path of adoption now!!!
Post a Comment