Negative

That is what the test said this morning once again. I am at 12DPO, so AF should be here on Tuesday or Wednesday. I have had cramps for the last five days so this should be an indication of her soon arrival. It was very strange, but I had a BFP dream right before I took the test. In the dream, I was running around the house covering my mouth trying to contain myself...it was really cute. Should have been an indication of what was to come.

Ken and I had a talk last night and one again this morning. We decided to stop using the Clomid. This cycle was horrible. I hate the way that it made me feel and the closer that I get the AF, the worse the side effects become and he hates to see me like this. So, that means that we will be chilling for a while. We will still be TTC, but with no temping, no OPK's, nothing but sex....and probably no timed BD'ing. We are just tired.

Ken goes for his S/A referral appt on Monday, so depending on how long it takes to set up a session to gather the sample, we should know something by Friday. I feel terrible saying this, but a piece of me feels that there is going to be something wrong...I pray not, but I can just feel it.

The morning of my four year anniversary back in May, I was laying in bed praying. The Lord spoke to me and said that by this time next year, you will be holding your baby in your arms. I am now beginning to think that he method of motherhood was not our own baby, but adoption. The Lord still has ten months to make something happen if that is His will for our lives. I probably just heard him wrong and He actually said two, three years from now.

Oh well, I guess the next few months will hold much much relaxed sex for us, no stresses of timed BDing and no early alarm clock wake ups for temping. That works for me. The good thing about all of this is that when we travel to Orlando in September, I will be able to ride EVERYTHING in the parks.

In short, I guess that I have still not found the faith that I am looking for. Too much heartache and pain in beleiving God for a baby from my womb. I am going to have to start believing him for adoption...easy, smooth and cheap, but he has got to work on Ken first.

I will spend the next few months looking for a new OB/GYN since my insurance runs out in September with my current one. My next annual isn't until May, but I do not want to wait that long before I make a decision. Please send up your prayers for me during my search. I will keep you all posted.

NikNak